Sparkling Twilight vs (Plants vs) Zombies

Washington Napoleon, Teddy Lawrence of Arabia, Abe Lincoln vs Vampires. Oh sorry, wrong thing.

I know they both look like humans, and both are undead, and sometimes they are so similar that they overlap in some media. Vampires are undead because they are demon-like. They drink blood, hate sun, and are super human in some way. Zombies are undead because they are corpses that animate after the fact they have died and are rotting. They might be both discolored and pale, but it’s easy to tell the difference if you know them. Vampires try to be suave and hinting that they want to have sex despite the fact that even Vampires from Central Africa are abnormally pale and white and might be levitating sometimes. Zombies stink like hell as their flesh is falling off but these cuts no longer bleed, yet they are even more attractive than Vampires ‘cause you can tell by the retarded look and speed of the Zombies that you will enjoy legally bashing their head in with no legal or moral consequence cause humans are dicks.


Zombies are scary because they outnumber you, there are so many that you cannot possibly kill them all (with only a few exceptions). But most I think is that they are diseased corpses.

Also, if india and China get a zombie virus, it doesn’t automatically mean 2 billion zombies. Many people will die from the zombie hordes, besides not everyone go to the city where the virus would infect you naturally. However I do NOT want to see a Zombie Horde in Asia; it would be too large for any army to fight.

Neither of these warriors have any armor, but they both have super human attributes that make them either a greater threat than a normal man or create weaknesses that can be potentially exploited.

  • Near Immortality-

This was something I thought would be a game-changer, but in reality it wasn’t. Zombies cannot be killed except by damaging the brain, while it feels no pain from any other damage. BUT many Zombie films prove the point that if someone is smart [like a Vampire] then they will be doing headshots to kill them. Sorry, I was watching too much Hollywood, where 90% of humans didn’t realize this until someone tells them. I don’t know about you, but if someone is trying to eat me, I want to hit him in the head.

  • Retarded Audacity-

9/100? Wow, they are retarded. I think a rat might be more intelligent than a Zombie. Zombies are like a slow moving homing missile, they do nothing more but lock onto a target and charge at it. This is what helps make Zombies terrifying, that you cannot negotiate with them, they will never give up, they CANNOT STOP.

  • Zombie Gait-

Now Zombies are able to walk nonstop, without sleep or rest, until they find more food. The only problem is that Zombies walk EXTREMELY slow- like if both of his legs were broken [which could be the case, Zombies ARE rotten dead bodies]. This is why lone zombies are so easy to kill, because they are slow. You can walk through or around a light horde without running, it’s that easy. I’m seeing a lot of fast zombies in some films or stuff like LFD, but Romero Zombies limp at 4mph. This can be a disastrous disadvantage against the Vampire, but then again the Vampire is outnumbered 189-3 so I guess it’s even now.

  • Zombie Hands-

A great way to describe my carpal tunnel. Number 1 rule about Zombie Hordes, stay away from walls/doors/windows cause the Zombies will break through for that surprise kill. (Now we’re talking about the Test) The shear damage to the body and the fact that zombies can just pull off your head means the Vampire can be killed before his heart is removed, either way once the hoard is all over you you’re going to die no matter if it takes 20 seconds or 1 minute. Besides, I would think losing the skin off your chest would make you bleed to death. Also remember, the test had 3 ‘Zombies’, but Zombies can attack 12 or 15 Zombies at a time. I recommend watching Day of the Dead 1985 for good examples of Zombie Hands [2nd half of film] and the science of the Zombie [boring 1st half of the film]. And if there was one weapon on the show I do not want to get killed by, it’s the Zombie Hands. Not only are you surrounded by Zombies, but they are pulling you apart, while you are alive, biting on your arms and legs, and ripping out your flesh while you are still conscious.

  • Zombie Bite

I have seen many examples of Zombie Bites causing someone to bleed to death, so for once they weren’t bulls**ting here. Also, since you will get weaker from bloodloss, I’m sure that the Vampire would get slower after getting bitten in the neck. Though they did mention that Zombies don’t always aim, so sometimes they would bite the arm, shoulder and (oh yeah) the face. Don’t want my face bitten off. Still, I must note that this weapon is actually the shortest range of any weapon (since the Zombie has to be closer than arms length) and it’s lethality is slow killing, so that’s why you have 200 man hordes. Seeing this match up, I always wanted to ask one of the Zombies if Vampire brain tasted differently than human brain. Too bad the Zombie’s response would be to eat ME so screw that interview. Return of the Living Dead had the Zombie Bite instantly kill by biting once into the head, similar to the Vampire Bite on the show. However most other Zombies aren’t this powerful so the last sentence doesn’t matter, I guess.

  • Virus-

The Zombies are technically dead corpses manipulated by the Zombie Virus; which is highly contagious, kills those infected with it and reanimates corpses into more Zombies. I don’t think the virus was used in the fight since it can sometimes take minutes for the Virus to kill, so the Vampire can kill all the Zombies and win the fight even if the Virus kills him after the fight. And yes I know Vampires had a similar virus, but I haven’t really seen that in modern Vampires, unless you inject yourself with Vampire blood. Vampire AIDS!- rather have that than Zombie AIDS.

  • Horde-

The ultimate weapon of the Zombie is the sheer size of its hordes, formed by the Zombie Virus. A 63-1 ratio is actually very realistic in the Zombie films I have seen, especially in densely populated cities. Now the thing about large numbers is that even if you are taking steroids, crack cocaine and Red Bull at the same time [or are just a vampire] you can tire in the overwhelming fight or accidently leave yourself open- like forgetting about the zombies behind you or something [Happens to me in my Zombie games].

Terrain- Cities and Graveyards (and for the love of god make sure they don’t get indoors)- Zombie infected cities is no place to be. If millions of people live in a city, millions of Zombies will form. It’s easier for them to corner or surround faster enemies, especially if Zombies are trying to get inside buildings. Buildings and walls become a person’s obstacle, and makes it so much easier for Zombies to corner you. As for graveyards, it has both cover and lack of cover. Large tombstones need to be walked around carefully and it is easy to trip over smaller ones- and tripping over tombstones killed more teenage women in horror films than any other cause of death.

Oh yeah, why don’t Zombies have a 100 Feeding Instinct? Zombies don’t eat other Zombies. Duh. What’s weird about the horde is that they don’t eat each other even though they gladly eat humans and Zombies are nothing more than dead humans… I guess dead humans don’t taste good. See a human, ‘KILL THEM’. See a Zombie ‘Hey Steve, how’s it going?’ ‘Braaiiiiiiiins.’ ‘Yup, Brains…’


I decided to avoid confusion, and piss you off, I named the head vampire Edward and his two bitches Bella and Jacob. Hey, they look exactly like them, which didn’t help my pre-battle prediction. :D

Also, why is it that when they show an image of the computer, all of the Vampire’s x-factors are 100?

The thing about Vampires is that they have so many types of Vampires with so many varieties of powers that I didn’t know what weapons would be using. Luckily they focused on only one type- Modern American Vampires with realistic/non magical powers but superhuman in every way. That’s why Vampires are scary, because they are better than you. They outsmart you, they overpower you, you can’t run from a Vampire. There is almost nothing you can do even if you have guns. Feeling powerless against these demons is depressing.

  • Vampire Claws

Metal Vampire Claw Gloves? Shut up and take my money! I have seen some Vampire films and media, and 6 times superhuman strength is accurate for the violent Vampires (though I noticed more family friendly shows have weaker Vampires, or for some reason the hero can survive getting hit with the force of a car.) You know… I don’t know for sure but I think the Vampire’s speed combined with these claws could be one of the best melee weapons ever. I just don’t know that for sure because the vampires would need to get close to the enemy, who could counter attack. But it can kill 54 Zombies easily, so that’s a lot of potential.

  • Vampire Bite

The experts do prove a point- a vampire doesn’t want to sip blood through two straws, he wants to chug it down like how an alcoholic chugs down beer steins. More fun to have a shark bite than a mosquito bite. If the Vampire wasn’t fighting a Zombie, I would think it would decapitate someone with multiple bites to the neck. But yeah, biting someone’s skull off like an alligator works too. Ps, Vampires might not like rotten Zombie blood (if there is any blood left).

I already mentioned their superhuman strength in their weapons so shut up. But it is possible for Zombie Hordes to physically overpower a Vampire as Zombies do have 1/6 a Vampire’s strength, unlike humans who are about 1/18. At the same time, Vampires can lift half a car’s weight, so sending Zombies flying is easy even if 4 are gangraping you.

  • Speed

According to a still image of the computer sim, Vampires can run at 100ft per second. As seen in the movies, any significant speed will make Zombies unable to fight, (so that’s why they surround you 63-1). If the Vampires were able to fly or climb, it would easily avoid the horde that way, though again the Zombie Hordes will have so many Zombies that no matter where the Vampire goes they will get surrounded eventually.

  • Weakness to Sunlight

As we saw in the fight, a Vampire is at a disadvantage when fighting in the day as he can’t leave the shade, giving his enemy a huge advantage. Luckily I don’t think it affected this match too much. Though the visual match did hint that it would handicap a Vampire if Zombies attack in the day (so kill them all before the sun rises again).

  • Superhuman Durability

Vampires apparently are hard to kill according to the experts. Although their flesh is just as fragile as a human’s- Vampires can only get killed by; blood loss, decapitation, brain injury, heart removal or sunlight… which other than the sunlight- is what you do to kill a person. I guess a vampire could better survive getting shot or something compared to a person, but these defenses don’t work against the Zombie attacks.

  • I Is Smart

Vampires live as hunters, so they would be extremely skilled in tactics. Besides, they are just naturally smarter. Kind of makes sense, their heart pumps more blood to the brain.

  • Vampire Senses

Vampires know where you are; they can hear, feel and smell you. This means Vampires can ambush those alone and avoid those in a group. Well I don’t think superhuman senses matter here, where the Zombie Horde is so rotten that you can smell them a mile away; Vampire or not.


I did think the Zombies’ resistance to damage would play a significant role in their victories and this ability would be interesting in the visual fight, but then I saw the vampires spamming headshots and said [well never fucking mind]. Though to be fair, if I was an intellejantt vampire, I would headshot spam Zombies also. And although Vampires are superhuman, you’re going to fatigue after killing literally 100s of Zombies, so the surviving Zombies will bite you in the ass, and rip out your hearts. And if you’re bleeding, the fatigue will be worse, so bad that the entire scene could enter 5 seconds of SLOMOTION.

I do realize that I was also focusing too much on MOVIE LOGIC. If you notice in Zombie films, the people are easy to kill. I see the factors as 1- the dumb blonde teenage bitch trips right infront of the horde. 2- The Zombie Virus is more important as the Zombie Seige takes several hours or even days, unlike this fight which would be too quick for the Virus to matter (the experts confirmed, I think, that even if both warriors die because one has a slow killing injury, the first to die officially loses). 3- As you saw with the Bella Vampire, Zombie films normally have that one zombie that comes out of nowhere and kills the person. And I saw similar tropes with Vampires, who can get killed by like 5 humans, not 189 zombies! But the reason is that the humans either ambush or outsmart the Vampires, or that the Vampire is so cocky that they do more taunting than killing, and so can get killed. So the Zombie films make the Zombies look more effective and some of the Vampire films, especially Twilight, sometimes make Vampires underpowered and easier to kill. Besides, I haven’t seen a lot of these modern Vampires, and Vampires have so many powers that I didn’t know what to expect.

I do like how there are multiple Vampires, because I think the Zombies would be easier to overwhelm some of the Vampires. You saw the beginning of the fight, where Jacob was attacking Zombies yet the score was counting Zombies kills a little bit too fast? Well remember the Vampires did split up and so attacked different Zombie Hordes. So Edward might have been easily killing a 5 Zombies Horde, Bella against a small 10 Zombies Horde, and Jacob (my favorite scene involving Jacob in anything) is saying “OMG WTF HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEE!!!” as he’s getting eaten alive by a 80 or 90 Zombie Horde. So this way there are cases of the Vampires overwhelming small squads of Zombies or a large cell of the Zombie Horde ambushes a Vampire and continue to the others with their horde more intact. A lot better than only 1 Vampire fighting 63 Zombies I think.

Realistic Scenario of the Fictional Monsters

But overall I must tell you this, the Vampires didn’t technically win the debate. First of all, 1 on 1 Vampires are automatically better, ‘cause Zombies are pathetic 1 on 1, so automatically Vampires are better than Zombie. This match only showed that Vampires have a 51% chance of winning when outnumbered 63 to 1. The Zombie Hordes and Vampire Clans vary in size, so who knows how the war will be. My advice for the Vampires in the Vampire Zombie Wars, stay away from Asia, live in Northern Canada and Russia (where no one lives there and the nights are long). But also you saw how the Vampire won the fight yet still got turned into a Zombie, and because of that this fight would end more in stalemates than anything else.

Also in the Zombie/Vampire Wars, the Zombies can attack during the day and the Vampires would burn in the sun if they retreat, so Zombies could overwhelm Vampires by constantly attacking all day and night while Vampires would have to retreat to survive right? But the Zombies are also rotting corpses, so realistically they would fall apart in 2 weeks from the decay and inability to repair themselves, so Vampires could just wait-out the Zombie Virus Outbreak.

Also, even though Edward might be fighting the virus, Bella is dead, so she will be a zombie. Also, if Jacob wasn’t 100% eaten, then he would be a zombie as well.

Also, again, I think the Zombie Experts might have cameo-ed in the Zombie fight, the last Zombie looks like Max Brooks.

To Be Continued? Bullcrap, Prove it! Where’s Season 4? if I even want it! Step up your game DW and get ass out from the sinkhole that is Season 3.

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