Capone vs Jesse

Al Capone

The Fatass Badass! The Chicago Outfit isn’t front page news today, but they are still a threat and are still intimidating. I’m actually surprised they didn’t mention Capone’s poor health; I mean that’s why he died young. Then again, if this was season 3 they wouldn’t shut up about it.

Tommy Gun Well if Al Capone didn’t look more like a Mafia don… (technically the Chicago Outfit have Italian-Americans so cannot join the Mafia.) Lets talk about submachine-guns (cause we already talked about the Tommygun). Being one of the first fully automatic weapons, submachineguns are devastating up close. They aren’t machine guns because submachineguns are significantly lighter, but they are not assault rifles because they use smaller bullets. Because of small bullets, they didn’t have much range. Because of a powerful recoil, they didn’t have much accuracy. But their automatic fire will obliterate any gun with a slow rate of fire, if the submachine gun can get in close enough.

Pineapple Grenade This bomb is less dangerous than it looks, only a direct throw will guarantee a direct kill. Well let me tell you why it lost the edge as a long range weapon, cause IT IS NOT A LONG RANGE WEAPON. All grenades have to be about 20-100 feet to the enemy for you to throw it at them, and if they are any closer you can’t use the grenade without killing yourself. So… you know… just shoot the guy with the grenade! Grenades should only be used to bounce around corners up close, that’s it.

Stiletto This is one of the smallest knives on the show by far. It’s concealment ability is useless in a battle if everyone knows who you are, so it is fairly weak compared to knives designed for combat but is still lethal.

Brass Knuckles One of the worst weapons that IS lethal. It is possibly the shortest ranged melee weapon yet and has no defensive abilities. The worst part is that it requires multiple strikes to become lethal. This torture device is not for battle. Why are brass knuckles outlawed? THEY SUCK as killing weapons!

Armor- at least 250lb of FAT, like real Americans

Jesse James

No, I’m not going to do a Team Rocket joke about Jessie James, already did that on my Deviantart profile. Jesse James was a successful criminal, I think he was more FORCED into the role than actually being crazy enough to WANT to be one (Missouri was violent after the Civil War and Jesse was accused of war crimes, making him a wanted criminal or some shit…) And being the first bankrobber in America, and successful at that, shows amazing skill as a criminal mastermind (even with a gang of about 5 guys) and a guerilla fighter (if the fact he was successful in the Civil War as one didn’t know, though most of it was massacring the unarmed :[ sadface).

Colt Revolvers A normal person would be slower on the quick draw and would normally be less accurate, but the skill of these experienced criminal cowboys make these oldschool revolvers surpass most modern day pistols, except for one flaw…. Revolvers have no reloading in a gunfight, its 6 shots each and that’s it. Oh, and quick drawing is only important at the beginning of the fight, it doesn’t matter anymore after the weapon is fully drawn, so quickdraws rarely are a gamechanger in gunfights.

Winchester rifle Oh yeah, cowboys had rifles. I keep on forgetting that. The gun that won the west, the first rifle to fire multiple rounds. However, it is too close range for a modern rifle, but its long range makes it superior to most short ranged guns. And yes, this isn’t a full-auto weapon, but if you can score 2 accurate killshots a second, at a distance, that’s fast enough for me. That is why rifles were so successful until the assault rifle- its range and accuracy. If you have a gun that can work at longer ranges yet also work in closer ranges with similar performance, than that’s a good gun.

Bowie Knife THAT’S A KNIFE. Did you HEAR those ribs break in the test? Its backstab tears through someone’s back like a slasher horror. The Bowie Knife is one of the largest modern knives- BIGGER IS BETTER. And since it can be thrown, this knife will overwhelm the others. ‘But it’s too big, it doesn’t have good concealment and can’t stab THROUGH the ribs’. Well it can’t go through them, it just shatters those flimsy ribs. And concealment? Yeah, Al Capone sure is quiet with that FUCKING TOMMY GUN. Look, if I see someone who wants to kill me, I’m gonna shoot him before he tries to stab me. Tiny Stiletto wins over Bowie Knife? I haven’t heard Deadliest Warrior say anything as stupid until season 3. Luckily the sim was right for once :D.

Pistol Whip Although there’s no real skill in this, might as well use a used gun as a club. It is lethal and might be more lethal with a larger gun, but I prefer weapons designed as weapons, especially those that can kill without needing a heavy whack on the head. Love the idea of pistol whipping, love the lethality of the blow, didn’t expect this as a potential insta-killer.

Terrain- Wild West Towns- A town has much more space than cities, and old western town give enough space for maneuverability and long range while offering cover. Cowboys are also known to fight each other closerange in saloons and taverns, after getting drunk and playing poker. And no way in hell will Jesse agree to have a high-noon shootout with Capone’s TommyGun.


Well like almost everyone else, I voted for Capone ‘cause he had an automatic weapon. Capone’s gang is very lethal with the Tommy Gun, but has no other weapon that will be useful in a real battle. Relying on one weapon is risky, especially if there is a flaw with the weapon. Deadly at close range, useless when out of ammo or without his gun. The guns Jesse James uses are really low tech, some of the oldest guns with multiple rounds. They can quick draw and shoot accurately even at a distance, but after those first shots is when his gang is vulnerable. The lack of automatic weapons threatens the the James-Younger Gang against other gunfighters.

Many fans think the Jesse James and Al Capone fight was stupid because it was fought in a museum. That is stupid, but clever. It allows both warriors to fight in their natural indoor environments. Wait- what museum has pre-loaded guns- is that legal!? Then again, it took Chicago a while to outlaw the tommygun for civilian use, so those politicians weren’t that bright.

Real life situation

While I don’t think Jesse would hold grudges, he does know how to assassinate. However it’s obvious that Capone would be the one to declare gang war between these two. You got Capone, who is the gang master of ambush, vs Jesse, who is master of hit and run. How do you ambush someone who’s always on the move? But the thing is the Chicago Outfit numbers were in the 100s (if you also include associates), while the James-Younger Gang numbered less than 20 even at their peak. I see no reason for Jesse to be in Capone’s cities with large police forces, and I see no reason why Capone would give a shit about a bankrobber of small towns of the wild west, until Jesse robs a mob affiliated bank (of course Capone had those, he ruled Chicago!)

Also nice to see Frank James doesn’t fall under the stormtrooper effect like everyone else and can kill the celebrity (cause no amount of fame makes you immune to the normal troops, though in this case he’s the 2nd in command…). They should do match endings like this, cause otherwise you KNOW it will be a 1 on 1 match with the leaders ALL THE TIME.

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