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Genghis vs Hannibal

Temujin (Genghis Khan)

The amount of BBC stockfootage in this episode is embarrassing. If you see more than 20 soldiers or more than 1 elephant, it’s stockfootage.

Genghis Khan! THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR not to mention he is GREATEST PIMP TO EVER LIVE. He took the fraise “burn rape and pillage” to a whole new level (and multiplied the “rape” 10,000 fold). 1 out of every 200 people IN THE WORLD has Genghis as their ancestor, truly he has conquered the world. Well no single warrior has conquered more land. Though to be fair, no one was living in Russia or Mongolia to begin with, but that’s no excuse- otherwise little Mongolia would never defeat FREAKNG CHINA. Bonus points for Kazakhstanand Persia. He faced the Great Wall of China and survived (cause he just walked around the damn thing). Not to mention, unlike most warriors on this show, he was never defeated in his wars. He could win battles and keep his nation steady, and so did his successors for a while.

Turko-Mongol Saber The preferred weapon of the Mongols (fuck you Ild sword). It is HUGE for a 1 handed weapon, and the length doesn’t slow it down. It is one of my favorite swords. I shall call mine, the ‘Lobotomy Sword’ for its ability to give it.

Jida Lance- This looked like a good, long spear, I didn’t see anything wrong with it. THEN WHY DID IT LOSE SO BADLY!? 14% vs 86%? That doesn’t even make sense.

Mongol Bow- Oh this very same weapon again? Well what’s the dif? Oh, fire. Well maybe I should review every other bow- True that a bow has to hit a neck, face, or heart (NOT THE KNEE, though that will cripple them fresh for your fatality attack) but bows were the most accurate and long ranged projectile in ancient history… that I can think of. As I said, the Zande bow lacks lethality and is the worst while the Hunnic and Comanche bows are the best for speed and accuracy. Seriously, if you can kill or injure the enemy before he comes to you, then that will surely help your wars.

Hannibal Barca

ELEPHANTELEPHANTELEPHANTELEPHANTELEPHANTELEPHANT- ok, gotta calm down. Hannibal was famous for invading a young Roman Empire, crossing the Alps, having FREAKING ELEPHANTS, all the elephants died, he kicked Roman ass, lost too many men to continue, returned home, Rome invades, counters his new Elephant army, conquers Carthage, and Hannibal commits suicide. I always wondered why unsuccessful generals and warriors like Hannibal, Napoleon, and so forth will be remembered when their wars were failures. I guess the ability to slaughter on the battlefield makes us love them… because humans are sadistic.

War Elephant? ELEPHANT!? EL-E-PHANT. It’s a fucking 9000 pound elephant, how is that not fucking awesome!? Well actually Elephants are naturally pacifist animals and would run instead of fight, so you need to drug them and cut their legs to make them angry enough to fight… and they do not identify friend from foe… and they are still cowards… I can’t see how this would backfire. A wildcard of a weapon if I ever saw one, its unpredictable- why it wasn’t that commonly used by armies. Still, ELEPHANT. I do want to note that Hannibal didn’t have that many Elephants, all of who died during the invasion. It was only about 40 against armies of 10000s. This means the simulated 5 on 5 fight is actually unfair for Genghis as technically Hannibal would have more elephants if this ratio of 1-5 was larger. But a big issue of the Elephant to the Bow is that although both are good against armies, the bow can also be used effectively 1on1. Elephants do more damage in a crowd, while the Mongols would just avoid the Elephants on horseback and shower it with arrow volleys. 40 elephants / 50000 archers firing at least 5 arrows each = Elephants are fucked.

Falcata- Oh look, a Kopis that actually works! The arch rival of the Gladius, it’s a good heavy sword but still pretty short. It is designed for densely packed foot soldiers, not calvary.

Soliferrum- I’m guessing that throwing the spear gives you better range than a normal spear. And that if you are on the elephant, you are out of range of most melee weapons and your animal can’t be killed very easily. So you can throw it down while on top of the Elephant. But even then I don’t know why it won such a large margin.

Match

For the ancient warriors, Genghis and his Mongols had to fight the largest variety of enemies any army has faced. For Hannibal, he lost a war with a young Roman Empire. Genghis destroyed the Persian and Chinese Empires! Genghis is just obviously the better warrior and leader.

Yes it is possible for x-factors to be a game changer. If you have poor logistics, you won’t have good weapons or supplies for a fight. If you have illnesses, it will worsen your performance. But there is no fucking way that the difference between DIETS will change a fight, so STFU doctor! Salad vs Steaks is not what this show is about, or used to be about.

The truth is that I thought that this fight was going to be 1 on 1 so early on I voted for Hannibal. But when I noticed that it was 5 on 5, Hannibal has only 1 elephant, and Genghis has bow calvary, I changed my vote to Genghis. Besides, Genghis is just better in every way.

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